Fanfic (long, humor, not dirty)
Califf, Jennifer (jcaliff@nsai-petro.com)
Thu, 3 Apr 1997 19:51:04 -0600
I've had this in my head for a long time. It's wide, so you may want to
maximize your window to read it. If you want, it might also be easier
to copy it into a word processor.
Tell me what you think.
Jennifer
jcaliff@nsai-petro.com califf@websurfer.net
"Go that way -- really fast. If something gets in your way, turn."
-- Better Off Dead
Legend of the Galactic Heroes?
Chapter 1: Of Mice and the Military
Starring: (in order of appearance)
Brain - von Lohengramm
Pinky - his trusted Lt.
Oscar von Reuental
Wolfgang Mittermeyer
<A huge fleet of ships quietly makes its way across the sea of stars.
Leading the fleet into a battle from which many might not return, a
white ship. Aboard that ship is the newly awarded Count Lohengramm. He
sits in his chair, gazing at the stars overhead while his best friend
and advisor looks on.>
Brain - The stars are beautiful, aren't they Pinky.
Pinky - Yes Brain, they are.
Brain - That's Admiral Brain.
Pinky - Um Brain?
Brain - Admiral Brain!
Pinky - POIT! Sorry, Admiral Brain.
Brain - That's better.
Pinky - Could you tell me what we are doing here again, Admiral Brain.
Brain - Don't you remember what we discussed this morning?
Pinky - Um, no, sorry.
Brain - Well perhaps this flashback sequence will jog your memory.
~~~~~~~~~~Flashback~~~~~~~~~~
<A lab, somewhere on Odin>
Pinky - Har, har , Narf!
Brain - Quiet Pinky, I'm trying to plan for tonight.
Pinky - Why Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain - The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the
world!
I know in the past something has always gone wrong just as
I am realizing my dreams of world domination.
However, tonight things will be different.
Pinky - I don't know Brain, I kind of like things the way they are.
Zort!
Brain - No Pinky. Tonight we will NOT try to take over the world.
Pinky - Poit! Not take over the world? But Brain, you just said . . .
Brain - No, we will not take over the world.
Why be content with just the world when the Universe is within our
grasp?
Tonight, I, the Brain, will begin phase one of my plan to take over the
Galaxy!
However, to take over the galaxy, I will need power. Power to surpass
my enemies.
If the high nobles are my enemies, power to surpass the high nobles.
If the Emperor is my enemy, enough to surpass even him!
But without power I can do nothing.
Pinky - Naaaarf.
Brain - Pinky, do you know the fastest way to get the power I need?
Pinky - Oh, oh, I know! Get hit by a bolt of lightning. ZAP! No, no,
I've got it!
We could build a giant nuclear powered robot!
Wait, wait! We have to find a cat with a moon-shaped mark on its
forehead.
No, wait, cats eat mice. ZORT! I know!
We could build a "Carwash of Doom"!
Brain - A Carwash of Doom.
Pinky - Yes! You see, people will drive through thinking it's just a
regular carwash,
but in reality we'll steal their energy and turn them into brainwashed
slaves!
Soon we'll have a whole army of mindless minions!
Brain - Pinky?
Pinky - Yes Brain?
Brain - Sometimes you frighten me.
No Pinky, the fastest way to gain power is through the military.
Together you and I will join the Imperial Forces who even now wage a
never-ending
war against the Rebel Alliance.
Pinky - Poit! Oh, can I fly one of those TIE Fighters? They're so cute.
Brain - <Glance into the camera>
We will join the military. I will obtain a position of command.
Once I begin winning battles, it will only be a matter of time before I
am
awarded an admiralty. From there, I will build my support base,
gathering my loyal followers until such time as I can usurp the
throne and crown myself emperor! I will then defeat the Rebel Alliance
and be the
absolute ruler of the Galaxy!
Pinky - Usurp the throne? Eww, that's gross.
Anyway Brain, it'll never work. I mean, we're mice. They'll never let
us join the military,
much less let you become an admiral.
Brain - Under normal circumstances I would be inclined to agree with
you.
However, as the saying goes, it is not only what you know, but also WHO
you know.
It just so happens that I know a few things about the Emperor's new
mistress.
She loves small animals, especially mice. If we can win her favor, she
can
turn the Emperor's head in our direction.
Pinky - Ouch. Sounds painful.
Brain - Come Pinky, we must be off.
Pinky - I think I am off, Brain.
Brain - So I've noticed.
No Pinky, we must be off to Neue Sanssouci. We have a date with
destiny!
Pinky - Oh Brain, I don't think I'm dressed for that. ZORT!
Brain - Pinky?
Pinky - Coming Brain!
~~~~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~
Pinky - Boy Brain, that was some flashback! Narf!
Brain - That's ADMIRAL BRAIN.
Pinky - Anyway Admiral Brain, what I originally meant was, why are we
HERE?
What's going on now?
Brain - We are going to fight a battle against the Rebel Fleet.
Pinky - Oh. But Brain, fighting is dangerous. Someone could get hurt.
Maybe we should go home.
Brain - Don't worry, Pinky. I have planned for every possible
situation.
We will not lose this fight.
<On two other ships, two men stand talking to each other by vidscreen
about their new commander and the battle yet to come. They are best
friends, these two, but as different as night and day.>
Reuental - So, what do you think of our new admiral?
Mittermeyer - He's short. I think he's a rodent of some sort.
Reuental - He's a mouse. You know what the others are calling us? The
staff of the Admiral
of Cheese.
Mittermeyer - Well, he seems confident. If he can win, then they won't
call us that anymore.
Reuental - I heard that the Emperor's Mistress convinced him to give
him the Countship.
They say she's insane, that she not only talks to mice, but also birds
and horses.
She even makes clothes for them. They also say she imagines a singing
fairy
godmother who grants her wishes. The Emperor must be senile.
Mittermeyer - Careful. It's dangerous to say such things, even behind
closed doors. Anyway, that
doesn't matter to us. What matters is the battle ahead. We're going
to be fighting a
force twice our size. What do you think our Admiral is going to do?
Reuental - I wouldn't be surprised if he ran away. You know what they
say - the rat is always
the first to leave a sinking ship.
Mittermeyer - I guess we're going to find out.
To be continued . . .
Next time:
Introducing the military genius Y.W., his cute adjutant, and his boyish
sidekick.
Also, who is Boorinsky? What does he want? Is he really a giant
chicken?
Find out in Chapter 2: Chaos Theory (coming soon)