[LoGH FF] Guardian
Monica/Akira-chan (monica@pipeline.com)
Thu, 29 May 1997 02:02:58 -0400
Well, this is sorta taken from episode 35? I think- the one where sieg
appears for just a moment ^^;; *sob*
Ah, to let you all know, me a big K fan... so tough if you don't like it ^_^
C&C please...
Guardian: By Monica Shin
I watch. Silently, of course. There is no other way for me now.
Quietly I watch, feeling a terrible sadness as my... what can I call him? My
friend, my companion- no, more- as the person whom I had tried to shield, as
a certain fair woman had asked of me so long ago, turns into something that
he should not be.
It's ironic- he had always been the light, the bright angel with the
ambition and dreams to reach for the stars. I had been the helpmeet, the one
who supported him on the way- yet I was the one that could not fly, that
needed his help to soar. Now... now, his brightness was becoming tarnished,
and I cannot help. I have turned into the most helpless of beings...
I cannot support, and I cannot touch. I can only gaze upon what had
been our beautiful dream, and watch it become soaked in mad ambition and
blood, as Reinhard becomes what he should not be. Intangible and invisible,
I am the silent angel that cannot even be a guardian. Merely an observer-
that is my price.
On the way to judgment, I had asked, begged of whatever higher being
there was, to be granted a chance to watch over him. They had allowed me to
do so, but at a price. Silence. He may not see, may not know... So I float
above him, hoping that another will take my place, grieving to see him so
hurt at what I'm sure he feels is my abandonment of him.
Then, when I can do no more, I drift. I cannot move physically, but
strong wills and associations call me. So I am pulled to the one place I
truly don't wish to see- Annerose-sama's place of atonement for what she
feels is her fault. I watch as she sits in her mountain villa, shutting out
her brother, her life. Embroidering endless cushions, curtains and
bedspreads, I feel her pain.
I want to go up to her, as I could not in life, and comfort her-
give her peace. I want to shout out that it was not her fault- that it had
been my choice, my path. But I cannot. Silence, once again, impenetrable,
terrible. So I watch as her unshed tears finally spill out onto threads and
half-done designs, and mourn for the life we could have shared.
Gratefully, I am pulled again, to farther away. To the other great
player in the game, Yang Wenli. I smile as I see his feckless attitude turn
into real power, as he and his ward share a moment of wisdom. I wish... I
wish that he and Reinhard could exist together as friends, as comrades. What
kind of galaxy would exist if only...
My all to brief smile turns to sadness as I see Yang's own pain. His
ward, that bright young man I had met for such a short time, is going on the
path that Yang would least wish him to walk upon. No stopping Julian... no
stopping the war. Both are out of anyone's control, especially mine.
After all the wandering, I am always pulled back to my light.
Reinhard. He is standing before the window, trying to make sense out of this
world. He has the locket in his hand... I wish. Then, I feel it- his quiet
appeal, not to the heavens or to any gods, but to me.
At his plaintive wish for guidance, somehow, I can speak. It is but
a brief window, but it is enough. I know I appear in front of him, as I see
his startled look, and I manage to whisper, as I have wanted to,
"Reinhard-sama." That half-reproving remark is all I am allowed, but it is
taken to heart.
For that moment, I allow myself to feel hope. Perhaps this can still
go the way we had wanted- to spread the light throughout the galaxy... and I
watch happily as he does what he would have done if I were still beside him.
I know exactly what I was- the tempering to him, and to that other's
counsel. For now, Reinhard is on the path that we were walking together... but-
He stumbles, falls, even if he does not see it. Expediency,
necessity. All of those comforting half-truths lead him from the ideal, from
the light to the darkness. I can only watch as he pulls himself closer and
closer to that pit, to that void, prevented only by the work of another.
She is good for him- I can tell. I wish that he would listen to her
more, for the Fraulein's perception is something that is lacking in him
right now... But he refuses to see everything in the search for some greater
obsession. If only I had realized what my death would do, I would have-
No. I would not have done less than what I had done. My duty. My
cause, my life- all for him. I had known that since his sister- my lady- had
been taken away. For his brilliant goals, I had become what he needed.
During that time, what he had needed was my life. So be it.
But, I somehow wish... I wish that I could cry, shed tears for all
that has gone wrong. But I cannot do even that. Instead, I huddle in the
wings that fate or some cruel god had given me in a horrible jest, and watch
as our bright path crumbles at his feet, as his vision is blinded, darkened.
I feel the next turn of the wheel pulling me away, but I never move.
Stubbornly, I cling onto him, and I watch. Desperately, I wait for that next
time when I may be able to help, to support, to be as I should be for him,
if only for a moment. I know I can go on, but I also know that I must stay,
and remain until he has done, become what he must. Then, perhaps he and I,
we may go on together, this time to the light...
---Finis---
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Monica/Akira-chan/Heero/Hayama/Naga/Kircheis no Miko- Proud TABBE! Member
monica@pipeline.com - http://www.pipeline.com/~monica/ -fics, pics, tapes!
Loves-CLAMP,LoGH,MB,RKen,Z/B,Gundam,EVA,KoDoCha,Subaru,Kircheis,Izumi,Riki
"Tell Annerose-sama that Sieg kept his promise..." - Kircheis
"Tell me if I'm being a nuisance... I'll just curl up by your feet." Riki